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10 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Knew I Was Infertile

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Infertility will test you in ways you never knew possible. It\'s a long road but need not be a lonely, humorless one as well. Some words of advice having been there and having made it to the end... parenthood.

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Infertility sucks. It does. I won't sugar coat it because really even Willy Wonka couldn't do that. It will test you in ways you never knew possible. You will love your partner and dislike them more than you ever have. And that will scare you. A lot. Not being able to get pregnant on your own rocks you to your core.

1) Most people won't get it, those that do still don't but they mean well so cut them some slack, those that really don't get it aren't worth the added stress. You will hear things like, "take a vacation that worked for Susan," "adopt, women always get pregnant right after they adopt," "are you sure you want to give up all your freedom," "maybe it's not in God's plan for you," "it will happen in due time, just relax," "are you sure you are doing it enough," "hmm my husband just looks at me and I get pregnant." None of this helps. Not even a little. Most mean well and really just don't know what to say and instead of a simple, "I'm sorry, this must be very hard," they come up with some of the most hurtful things you will hear in your journey.

2) Your relationship will be tested and if you are lucky it will become stronger. There are times I look at my husband and am saddened because we weren't able to conceive on our own. I am sad that I couldn't give him what we both so deeply wanted without medical intervention, a lot of medical intervention. Your hormones will rage and so will you. At times you will be mean and this is not fair to your partner but counting to 10 won't always help. Apologize but cut yourself some slack. Forgive yourself for asking him if he wants another wife who could give him a baby. Believe me you will ask this at least once. If he is the one with the diagnosis he might ask you if not I promise he is thinking it. If your relationship was not on firm ground prior to IF, I am going to be honest but going through this is only going to make matters harder. Ask yourself some hard questions before you start.

3) It will be the only thing you think about, the first and last thing on your mind everyday and your partner will most likely not be so obsessive, this will make you mad. As women having babies is on our minds a lot. For men making babies is on their minds a lot. These are two very different things.

4) It's expensive and insurance doesn't care. It amazes me what insurance will cover but infertility it will not. It pains me to think money is the only reason some people can't proceed with treatment. This seems so wrong to me. If you are wondering why your partner is not as obsessed with getting pregnant as you are this is it. He is worried about money. About providing you with the chance at your dream. That's a heavy burden. This is why you need to cut him some slack too.

5) You will lose all modesty and find yourself telling strangers your ovaries don't work or your partner's sperm is crooked, you will even tell your dad and won't be embarrassed. You will disrobe a lot and not even worry about whether the paper blanket they gave you is covering your important parts. This is preparing you for what I hope is a pregnancy in your near future.

6) Sex will be different for awhile. Timed intercourse ruined sex for you for the last year or so. Sex became a means to an end, the end being pregnancy. Then when you go through treatment there will be points where you are told you can't have sex. Refer to #3 to help you understand why your partner is aggravated.

7) You will consider the impossible possible if it means becoming a parent, you will change your mind daily about the lengths you will go to. Before we went through IVF I said I wouldn't go that far to get pregnant, I'd 'just' adopt (yeah at that point I was one those people). I was wrong. I went that far and had there been something further I would have done that too, several times.

8) It will hurt to see babies even those you are related to, trips to Target will be hard, baby showers impossible. I'd like to say avoid these but you can't. Accept that it's hard to be around babies but don't become a shut in, don't give IF that much power.

9) You will feel guilty when you wonder if it is all worth it. You will feel guilty when considering calling it quits. When you hate being around pregnant women. When you look at your body with disgust because it doesn't work. When you look at your partner and think that someone you dated 10 years ago probably could have gotten you pregnant by now. When you look at you partner and think someone he dated 10 years ago would have given him a baby by now. But guilt is not productive. Accept that you will have these feelings but do not be consumed by them.

10) You will forever be changed and that's OK. I will never ask someone when they are going to have kids, or why haven't they. I will never look at multiples and think wow, poor mom must be exhausted. Yes she probably is but not as tired as when she was going through IF treatments assuming that's how she got multiples in the first place.

A diagnosis of IF may feel like the end of your baby dreams. It's not. Once you have committed to wanting a baby you will have one you just have to accept it will most likely not be the way you always dreamed it to be,

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