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I Hate You, Please Love Me

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Why would anyone in their right mind choose to get involved in an intimate relationship with a man or woman who hates them? Logically, it seems that would be a big turn off and the impetus for an instant break up. Unfortunately, very often, the exact opposite happens. Many of us say that we want a loving partner, someone who cares for us above all others. We tell our friends that we are looking for a kind, generous caring man or woman. We write in our journal that we want all these wonderful, giving qualities in our chosen partner. And then we fall in love with someone whose traits don\'t quite match what we say and believe we want. Why does that happen?

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Why would anyone in their right mind choose to get involved in an intimate relationship with a man or woman who hates them? Logically, it seems that would be a big turn off and the impetus for an instant break up. Unfortunately, very often, the exact opposite happens.

Many of us say that we want a loving partner, someone who cares for us above all others. We tell our friends that we are looking for a kind, generous caring man or woman. We write in our journal that we want all these wonderful, giving qualities in our chosen partner. And then we fall in love with someone whose traits don't quite match what we say and believe we want. Why does that happen?

In my experience, it appears to actually be more difficult to love someone who is kind and caring. We need to be extremely secure to love, appreciate and be sexually aroused by kindness, empathy and affection. We need to understand that showing emotions, getting hurt, and wanting to be close, are not signs of weakness. We need to also understand that showing brevado, acting cool and indfferent, acting superior and criticizing and controlling, are not signs of strength.

When our partner is difficult, demanding, self-centered, egotistical and not paying attention to our requests and needs, that forces us to look outside our own self. We become focused on finding ways to placate, to reach, to connect and to handle our unreasonable partner. But if our partner is kind and loving and open, we do not have to work so hard to please them. We know we can get away with making less effort. We do not feel challenged to do more than we feel like doing in any given moment. And then we begin to focus on our partner's flaws.

When we do not have to prove ourself or do something to win over the other person's interest, love and respect, then we have more available and free emotional energy to judge, criticize and chip away at our partner's self-esteem. Especially if we do not already feel good about our own self, if we have lots of insecurity and self-doubt, we may attribute those same qualities to a partner who is freely sharing their love and emotions.

A partner who is downright insulting you and treating you with hostility and even hatred, may continue that indefinitely if you don't somehow take a stand for yourself. When you do, perhaps threatening to walk out or refusing to be a victim anymore, the other person might surprise you by suddenly showing their own fear, insecurity and weakness. He or she may beg you to stay. Suddenly, it may feel as if you are on a honeymoon - love and kisses and gifts and kind words start coming your way. But then, when you let your guard down and get back to just loving this person, the fireworks return.

If your partner seems to be expressing "I hate you, Please love me," or "I hate you, Don't leave me," it is time for some serious self-reflection and counseling for both of you. You need to decide, "Do I want to live in a love-hate relationship and is there something I can do now, to change these dynamics and create the type of loving relationship I have always wanted?" You may not be able to do it alone. Seek as much support as you can find and continue until something changes - either your partner becomes your loving equal or you end the relationship and seek love elsewhere.

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