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Resolving Differences of Sexual Desire

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Do you and your partner have different levels of sexual desire?  That\'s no surprise.

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Do you and your partner have different levels of sexual desire?  That's no surprise.  Most couples don't have the same sex drive.  It can be frustrating, but the problem of different sex drives can be resolved.

It is a myth that it is always the male partner that has higher sexual desire.  In my sex therapy practice, it is about 50/50 men to women that have higher desire than their partner.  Another myth is that most partners stop having sex once children have arrived.  If couples had a decent sex life before pregnancy, they will figure out a way to regain their sex life.

What causes differences of sexual desire?  The reasons are as varied as what causes differences in participating in different sports or liking different kinds of food.  Some people have a hormonal profile that makes them naturally more interest in sex.  Other people find that sex is a good way to relax, or feel connected, though their partner may not find sex as effective.  Some partners find that their desire to be with their partner never fades, while others discover that their desire diminishes over time.  People differ in how they were raised to view sex.  They also differ in how important it is to them personally.

Differences in sexual desire can cause a lot of friction in a relationship.  What never works is to nag, harass, beg, argue, or avoid the issue.  If you accept that it is okay, even normal, to have those differences and not read too much into them, then you can calmly and kindly discuss how you can both be happy.  Most couples find that simply compromising on how often they will have sex works well enough, while others prefer scheduling so that both know what to expect.  Some couples find that if the high desire partner has his or her needs met regularly, they are happy, whether or not the encounter is romantic or matter-of-fact.

If you can't seem to resolve your differences, then you might benefit from the services of a sex therapist.  A sex therapist is a psychotherapist with specialized training in sexuality and human relationships.  The sex therapist can help you understand why you are stuck, give you each an opportunity to voice your concerns, and help you work toward a satisfactory solution.  This involves good communication, compassion for your partner, and a willingness to accept differences.

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